


Songs of our Love

by Yleisnotonfire



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Non-Famous, Angst, Angst and Feels, Drama & Romance, Fluff and Angst, How Do I Tag, I'm Bad At Summaries, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Mentioned Boo Seungkwan, Mentioned Jeon Wonwoo, Mentioned Lee Seokmin | DK, Mentioned Wen Jun Hui | Jun, Mentioned Xu Ming Hao | The8, Non-Graphic Smut, Song Inspired AU, mentioned sex, the other memebers are mentioned, they're so stupid
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-24
Updated: 2018-10-31
Packaged: 2019-07-16 12:37:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 10,975
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16086254
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yleisnotonfire/pseuds/Yleisnotonfire
Summary: Seven songs.It takes seven songs to explain the death and the rebirth of a love story.Seven songs for two people who wished to become just one body and soul.These are the songs of Jihoon and Soonyoung.





	1. Track 1 - Intro. Dead Leaves

**Author's Note:**

> This my third chaptered fic. WOW, I can't believe it.
> 
> This will be entirely edited by me and English is not my first language so I'm sorry if there's any kind of mistake. 
> 
> I like to think of this fic as an interlude between two big projects: I hear you loving me and it's sequel. 
> 
> As for the format, I know it'll look kind of strange but I've tried (TRIED) to make it look like a song. 
> 
> Hope you'll enjoy this story!!

 

> **"This love, like the dead leaves, it's withering."** BTS - Dead Leaves

 

 

 

 

 

 

Soonyoung can't do it anymore.  
He can't keep going on like this.

 

Something between him and Jihoon has changed.  
He can't pretend he hasn't noticed.

 

When their friends go to him to ask if everything is alright between them, he has to put on a smile and reassure them.

 

_"Jihoon is just tired."_

 

_"He had worked a lot today."_

 

_"He's grumpy about a song he's composing."_

 

_"Don't worry, we still love each other as if it's our first day together."_

 

Lies. Lies. Lies.

 

Soonyoung can't lie anymore.  
He doesn't have any strength left to do that.

 

He realised that only today.

 

 

  
  
  
**_September_ **   


It's autumn.

The streets are full of trees, leaves of different colours: red, yellow, brown and orange.

Some trees still have green leaves but they're outshined by the beauty of the vibrant colours of autumn.

The city looks like a painting.  
Every small detail carefully pointed out by the artist, every colour minutely matched so that as a whole it looked stunning.

This is Soonyoung's favourite season.  
He enjoys taking long walks in this time of the year when even the temperature was just perfect.  
Still warm but with a clouded sky that allowed the wind to lightly blow so that it produced the rustling sounds of leaves that he liked a lot.

 

He's taking one of his daily walks when he decides to bring his Jihoonie a cup of his precious coffee.

He is on cloud nine thinking about the face his cutiepie will make when he sees the coffee.  
He's humming his favourite song while crossing a park full of those colours he likes so much and that made him even happier.

It's at that moment that something makes him falling from that cloud he was on until a while ago.

 _A tree_.

Its branches were almost bare, leaves still falling as the wind shook them down.

As he was looking at it, he felt something inside him falling in the same way those leaves were falling to the ground.

  
  
  


They used to be so happy and in love before.

 

Jihoon had always wanted him by his side.  
He had written to Soonyoung his most beautiful love songs.  
He had wanted to hold Soonyoung's hand and never let it go.

 

He used to like when Soonyoung showered him with love and morning kisses.  
When he used to cling to him because he was scared of storms or because Seokmin had told him a horror story.  
When they used to wake up with their legs tangled and hugging the other in his arms.  
When they spent an entire day in bed binge-watching their favourite anime.

  


However, things had suddenly changed.

 

Soonyoung didn't know how or why but a giant gap, an _enormous_ and _horrendous_ empty space had appeared between them.

 

Jihoon wouldn't spend his free time with Soonyoung.

 

He didn't come home to sleep in their bed and when he did, they slept on their side of the bed, back to back without even a goodnight kiss.

 

No more waking up embraced by the other's warmth.

 

They fought over the little things they didn't like about the other.  
They were the same little things they used to like before because it's what made them what they were.

 

Jihoon used to laugh at every joke Soonyoung made, his face brightening with every smile of his.  
But that lovely smile has now been replaced by a constant frown.

 

The worst part is that Jihoon didn't initiate nor liked skinship.  
He hasn't touched Soonyoung in ages, not even to hold his hand that he used to grab all the time because he liked the way their fingers intertwined and fit together.  
Because of this, Soonyoung now is even scared of brushing his hand when they walk side by side.  
He feels as if it will make Jihoon go even further away from him.

 

Jihoon is so cold now that even winter seemed warmer compared to him.

 

The reason could only be one: their love had withered like leaves in autumn.

  
  
  
  
  
  
_**A week later. September.** _   
  
  


Days have gone by.

 

Soonyoung is still going to that park to watch that tree.

 

Leaves keep falling, one by one.  
In the same way, his memories with Jihoon played before his eyes, one by one.

 

 

 

 _One leaf._ The first time their eyes met.

 

 _Two_. The first time Jihoon had smiled at Soonyoung.

 

 _Three_. The first time they properly met.

 

 _Four_. The time Soonyoung confessed to Jihoon.

 

 _Five_. Their first date.

 

 _Six_. The first time they held hands.

 

 _Seven_. The first time Jihoon has kissed Soonyoung.

 

 _Eight_. The first time they fought.

 

 _Nine_. The first time they made love.

 

 _Ten_. The first time they imagined spending the rest of their lives together.

 

He stops staring at the tree at the tenth dead leaf.

 

The fear of more memories falling to the ground if he keeps shaking his branches.

 

_'Has Jihoon forgotten all of the time spent together? All of our promises?'_

 

Soonyoung's heart hurts.  
He's exhausted.

 

Every time he looks at Jihoon, he knows the other is physically there but his heart keeps walking further away, impossible to grab anymore.

 

At the exact moment the last leaf of that tree became a dead leaf, Soonyoung knew he had to do something.

  
  
  
  
_**Two days later. September.** _   
  
  
  


Today he has finally convinced Jihoon to go out of his studio and to meet him at the park, next to the only tree whose leaves were already fallen despite being the first days in autumn.

  
  
  


**"Why did you want to see me?"** are the first words leaving Jihoon's mouth as soon as he sits on the bench where Soonyoung is.  
An uncomfortable amount of space left between them.

 

 **"Do you see those dead leaves under that tree?"** Soonyoung says, not even lifting his head up to look at Jihoon.

 

 **"Yes, I see them."** Jihoon has now lowered his head.  
He doesn't know what Soonyoung wants to say, so he waits for an explanation.

 

After some moments of silence filled only by the wind, the rustling of the leaves and the faint laughs of children playing on the other side of the park, Soonyoung spoke again. **"Our memories, the time spent together, everything between us has become like those dead leaves, Jihoon."**

 

Jihoon doesn't answer.  
He knows it's his fault but he can't speak.

 

 **"Why? What happened to us? What happened to you? How the hell we got here?"** Soonyoung says, finally looking at Jihoon, eyes already watering.  
All of the stress, all of the sadness, all of his tries threatening to spill in the form of tears.  
However, he can't do that now.  
He needs to grab his last ounce of strength to get the answers he needs.

 

Jihoon sighs and turns towards Soonyoung. **"I don't know what happened. I don't even know how to say this."**

 

**"Just say it. I don't need sugar-coated words to make it less painful. I just need the truth so that I can-"**

**"I don't love you anymore."**

 

Soonyoung has been interrupted by those harsh words.  
Words that Jihoon had blurted out with his eyes closed.

 

 **"I don't love you anymore, Soonyoung."** Jihoon repeats.

 

 **"Why?"** Soonyoung's heart is now in pieces, his voice barely audible as he speaks.

 

 **"I don't know. One day I woke up and I realised I don't love you anymore. Not in the way I used to."** Jihoon's hands are shaking as he speaks and he tries to hide them in the pockets of his sweater.

 

 **"That's why you kept avoiding me?"** Soonyoung's hand grab the bench beneath him, knuckles going white, trying to keep the tears in his eyes.

 

 **"You know I wasn't avoiding you. It's just that work kept me busy and I couldn't come back home."**  Jihoon said, lowering his head again.  
Eyes hid behind the visor of his black cap.

 

**"Right, work. I think I know now why it became like this between us. At some point, you started caring more about your career than me."**

 

Those were harsh words and Soonyoung knew that.  
He regretted saying them in the exact moment they left his mouth.

 

 **"You know what? You're right. I love my work more than I ever loved you."** Jihoon says, eyes now locked on Soonyoung.

 

Jihoon's eyes were cold, not showing any kind of emotion.  
They were like blades that pierced what was left of Soonyoung's heart.  
He had to leave.  
He was already too broken and couldn't take another blow like this one.

 

 **"Good to know that. I guess that's how it ends between us."** Soonyoung blurted, quickly standing up. **"You may have never loved me but I loved you with every single fibre of my being. From the first moment I laid my eyes on you up to this very moment, I loved you. I guess I was the only one who did that."** Soonyoung gave his back to a Jihoon who was still on that bench, eyes now locked on the fallen leaves the wind brought to his feet. **"You were the most beautiful moments in my life, Lee Jihoon."**

 

Soonyoung walked away not turning around to look at him for the last time, afraid he wouldn't leave anymore.

 

 

As soon as he stepped outside the park, he collapsed on the ground crying his eyes out.  
His heart ached.  
His lungs were in need of air as he felt suffocated by the pain.  
The words _"Jihoon, please don't leave me."_ said like a prayer, hoping that said boy could come and save him from that despair.

  


**"I'm sorry, Soonyoung. I had to do this so that you can be happy, again. You deserve someone better than me."** Jihoon whispered to himself.

He was now alone, surrounded by the trees.

 

  
Dead leaves started falling resembling the tears he was now shedding.

 

Soonyoung was Jihoon's favourite season.

 

He loved him more than anything else in this world and that's why he had to let him go.

 

He kept hurting him and that was the last thing he wanted to do.

 

He wanted to see Soonyoung smiling again, laughing again, enjoying the little things in life.

 

Soonyoung will be now free from the cage of their love.

 

Jihoon will be the one left behind, the one who'll keep their memories safe in his heart, hurting in silence.

 

It's what he does better.


	2. Track 2 - Wait, wait, wait

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, it's edited by me so forgive me for any mistake you could find while reading.

 

> **"Love, this love is killing me to carry the weight of us. Love, this love is killing me but it's better than to let you go."** Cai Xukun - Wait, wait, wait.

 

 

 

 

**_Six months later. March._ **

 

That space was once _their_ place.

 

They used to call it _home_ but what is it now?

 

Soonyoung can’t call it home because _he is not there_.

There’s no trace left of Jihoon in that place.

He took away most of his things.

The rest was thrown away by Soonyoung in a fit of rage right after Jihoon closed that damn door.

He had definitely walked away from him.

  
  


What was once their home, won’t feel the same.  
_Never again_.

 

 

As of now, it is both a _shelter_ and a _prison_ for Soonyoung.

 

A shelter because Soonyoung felt safe in there, away from the rest of the world.

He was away from the people who would keep looking at him with _pity_ in their eyes.  
He was away from those who were waiting for him to _break_ and _crumble down_.  
He was away from whoever would have comforted him with the same damn clichés.

 

_“He doesn’t know what he lost.”_

 

_“He doesn’t deserve you.”_

 

_“He won’t find someone like you.”_

 

 _“Don’t worry, time will heal everything. You just have to_ wait _.”_

 

He is waiting.  
He is waiting since the moment he left Jihoon in the park.  
He is waiting while carrying the weight of what he has done.

 

Soonyoung regretted what he had done that day.  
He shouldn’t have done that.

 

He said those things and left without giving Jihoon the chance to reply or explain himself.

 

Soonyoung hated himself for that but who can blame him?

 

 _He_ was the one left heartbroken by what Jihoon had said.

 

_“I don’t love you anymore.”_

 

Those words resonating between the walls of that place.

 

That’s what made it a _prison_.

 

A sentence that to Soonyoung didn’t make sense.

 

How is it possible that something that deep could end that quickly without showing any sign of its change?

Have their fortress always had those cracks and he didn’t notice because he was too blinded by his feelings?

Was there the possibility that Jihoon had _never_ loved him?

 

Soonyoung didn’t nor wanted to know.

 

The only thing he knew is that his prison started suffocating him.

 

Soonyoung missed Jihoon so much.

He wanted to _stop missing_ him but he couldn’t.  
He wanted to _forget_ but he couldn’t.  
He didn’t want to do _the thing_ that probably Jihoon already did.

 

_'Has Jihoon already moved on?'_

 

Maybe it was easier for him because he didn’t live there anymore.

 

Too many memories, too many things they did there, together.

The kitchen where they used to cook together while singing along to their favourite songs.

The couch where they used to cuddle, where Jihoon used to lay on him under their warm duvet.

The living room where they used to work together, Jihoon helping Soonyoung with some dance moves and Soonyoung helping Jihoon with the lyrics and the beat of the latest song he was working on.

The bathroom with the too-small-for-two sink where they used to run to brush their teeth first thing in the morning.  
They used to bicker so much for who had to use it first but they would always end up with Soonyoung giving up in exchange for a morning kiss.

 

Their bedroom.

All those nights spent in there _kept haunting_ Soonyoung.

Their need for the other.  
Their heavy breaths.  
Their loud moans.  
Their bodies mingling.  
Their hearts beating as  _one_.

Those were the nights they’d been in _ecstasy_.

Jihoon's body was like the sweetest drug.  
Soonyoung ended up getting addicted to it.  
Now, he couldn't bear the sudden withdrawal.

 

Soonyoung hated so much how he had to be the one remembering those things.

How he had to be the one who kept suffering.  
How he had to be the only one carrying the weight of their love.  
How he missed Jihoon so much despite trying to be happy again.

 

Soonyoung hated himself because he was still waiting for Jihoon.

It’s all he has done for the past months.

 

He ~~wanted~~ had to leave and that’s what he did.

He left that place and went somewhere far.

Somewhere he hoped those memories wouldn’t reach to him and give him the chance to heal.

 

All of this pain and longing was killing him.

However, deep in his heart, Soonyoung thought it was better than let Jihoon go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's a short chapter, I know.  
> Bear with me for this one!  
> Next update won't take too long!


	3. Track 3 - Interlude. Habit

>   **"I realized then, like a habitual saying, that I desperately looked for you as I called for you. I want to embrace you like I did then and tell you that I want to smile"** Seventeen - Habit

 

 

 

**Two months before. January.**

 

_6:00 am_

 

Jihoon is _hurt_.

 

He regrets leaving Soonyoung but a part of him knows it's _better to let him go._

 

His work kept him busy.

  
Unable to go on dates like they used to do.  
Unable to come back home at night and sleep next to his love  
Unable to stay by his side.

 

Jihoon thinks Soonyoung deserved _someone better_.

Someone who could give him all the attention he needed.  
Someone who could make him feel as he is the most precious thing in this world.   
Someone who could make him smile again.

 

What made Jihoon _fall in love_ with him was his smile.

 

When Soonyoung smiled, it was as if the Sun started shining right in front of him.

 

His eyes disappeared, his cheeks went all the way up, his mouth stretching to the point that Jihoon often asked himself if that hurt.

Once he really asked that to Soonyoung.

He just lightly slapped his arm and said:   _“If it’s because of you, it doesn’t hurt.”_

 

Soonyoung's face lit up every time he smiled and Jihoon wished he could look at it for the rest of his life.  
He wished he could see that smile every time he fell asleep and every time he woke up.

 

Jihoon always found himself smiling back at him like an idiot. A fallen-too-deep-in-love idiot.

  


It's not that Soonyoung stopped smiling at all.

It's just that, suddenly, it wasn't the same as before.

 

His eyes looked _pained_ , an evident contrast with his lips curving upwards when he was around his friends or around Jihoon.

 

But Jihoon _knew_.

 

Soonyoung wanted people to know he was okay, he was doing fine.

 

He could try to pretend with the others but he couldn't fool Jihoon.

 

Jihoon _knew him better than himself_.

He knew there was something going on and then realised _he_ was the problem.

 

That’s why it came to this.

 

To make Soonyoung smile again he had to disappear.

  


But despite being right and doing the right thing, Jihoon felt like dying at the moment.

  


Soonyoung is smiling like he used to, but why it hurts so much?

  
  
  
  


_Earlier that day, 5:00 pm_

  


Jihoon has left his studio for the first time in a week.

Too busy working on a song to go to his new place.

This song was really a pain in the ass because it had to be a happy one and he is obviously not having the time of his life right now.

 

Writing about love, happiness and this kind of stuff was so easy before.

 

Words would’ve flowed out so easily from his mind.  
Melodies would’ve played so naturally from his heart.

 

It took one or two days to write a new song.

 

And that was all because of a certain someone.

 

All because of Soonyoung.

 

Now Soonyoung wasn’t there anymore and he didn’t feel like writing about love anymore.

 

He didn’t want to write at all.

 

What was the use of writing about how beautiful is to fall in love?   
About how your heart won’t stop racing because of your significant other?  
About the butterflies that keep flying around in your stomach as you think about your half?  
About how you adore the person in front of you with all of your might?  
About how every goddamned night you promised to yourself that you wouldn’t ever let that person slip away?

 

Jihoon couldn’t write things like these, not when he was the first who failed to do that.

 

He struggled a lot on this song.

 

However, in the end, he wrote that anyway. It was his job.

He did it while trying:

 

Trying to grab the emotions he felt when he was younger.   
Trying not to cry while thinking about him.  
Trying not to be so miserable.  
Trying to be strong.  
Trying to convince himself that he did the right thing.

 

Jihoon had too much to deal with in that week.

 

Feelings, too much caffeine, _feelings_ , the same food every day, _feelings again_.

 

That’s why he now deserved to go out and go to the nearest café and drown in a pool of hot chocolate and cakes.

He needed that.

 

As Jihoon was passing by the café window, his eyes were caught by someone.

 

_Soonyoung_.

 

He was there, sit at a table with another man.

 

He was laughing out loud at something the other said.

 

His hand on top of the guy’s.

 

Soonyoung was _happy_.

 

It’s what Jihoon wished for but his heart broke at that sight.

 

An insidious thought crept into his mind.

 

At that moment, Jihoon wished Soonyoung was having a rougher time.   
Jihoon wished Soonyoung was still thinking about him.  
He wished Soonyoung would still be hurting like he was.

 

Jihoon wanted to be _okay_ too.

Not happy but okay.

He knew he couldn’t be happy with anyone else.

But to be happy he had to forget.

  
  
  


He kept looking when suddenly the man sitting at that table put his other hand on top of Soonyoung’s.

 

That’s when Jihoon’s lips went dry.

Lips that lightly parted as they wanted to call Soonyoung.

Hands that slowly left Jihoon’s side to reach out to their rightful place.

Arms that suddenly felt empty as they wanted to embrace him.

 

His body was _longing_.

It longed all the habitual things they did.

 

That’s what Jihoon thought it was.

 

Everything he just felt was just out of _habit_.

 

Habits aren’t good and Jihoon had to forget them.   
Had to forget that warmth.  
Had to forget that face.

 

Jihoon had to forget that name he had _engraved_ in his heart.

He had to forget that name he was calling even now that was running away from that place.

  
  
  
  


_Back to 6:00 am_

  


He ran away and trapped himself again between the four walls of his studio.

 

He felt anger, sadness, jealousy and regret.

He felt as if he was going crazy.

 

For the first time in a while, he felt the need of writing.

 

As soon as Jihoon walked in there, he opened his laptop and wrote down all the things he felt while looking at Soonyoung.

 

Words filling pages and pages with different kinds of lines.

Melodies coming to help him when words weren’t enough.

 

Jihoon needed to let this sadness go.

 

And he thought he did when, in less than half a day, wrote an entire song. 

_'Habit'_ was the title.

 

He poured out everything he had inside to the point that, for a moment, he felt empty.

 

It only lasted a while, though.

 

Emptiness already filled with Soonyoung’s face.

 

Jihoon started crying and he couldn't seem to stop.

 

He cried himself to sleep that morning.

 

_“I want to smile too”_

 

Those the words that slipped out of his mouth before blacking out.


	4. Track 4 - I Don't Miss You

> **_"Honestly, I'm not going anywhere. I'm staying there in my place, waiting until the moment you come"_** Bumzu - I don't miss you ** _  
> _**

 

 

**_Four months later. August._ **

 

Soonyoung has been living in Quebec, Canada, for about four months now. 

He has found a job there as a dance teacher.

He has new friends with whom he hangs out almost every night. 

They go clubbing and get wasted. 

  
Every night he has been taking someone new to his place.   
A place that can’t remind Soonyoung of him.

 

Every night he has been drowning in the embrace of someone else.   
Arms that didn’t envelop Soonyoung’s body in the way his used to do.

 

Every night he has been kissing someone else’s lips.   
Lips that didn’t taste like those ones Soonyoung liked to savour all the time.

 

Every night he has been moaning someone else’s name.   
A name that felt so wrong and foreigner on Soonyoung’s lips.

 

Every night he has been inebriated by someone else’s scent.   
A scent that almost made Soonyoung forget how he used to smell like. Almost.

 

He knew it was wrong living like this, but to him, it was the only way to heal. 

Soonyoung had to keep his body and mind occupied so that he could not think about him. 

At first, it helped. 

Such a frenetic life, sweaty bodies pressed together in a small room dancing like there’s no tomorrow, the smell of alcohol made him forget about him. 

All of these things were so not related to his previous life with Jihoon and that made things easier. 

 

However, after just two months, living became unbearable again. 

 

Soonyoung swore he could see Jihoon in the face of people passing by him.  
He could smell his scent in the air.  
He could hear his laughter in the light spring breeze.

 

It suffocated him how he couldn’t seem to escape from that love maze. 

He kept running in that maze.    
He turned left and right.    
But he always found himself in a dead-end road. 

  
  


He had to run away, again.

This time for a short while. 

He had a job here in Quebec and couldn’t just drop it. 

In Seoul, he could do that because the studio belonged to his friend Minghao and he was just helping for free. 

 

That’s why he waited. 

He waited for the best time to fly away. 

 

In the meantime, he didn’t get drunk that much nor get laid. 

He had to end that kind of lifestyle that was only hurting him as no one could fill the gap left by Jihoon. 

 

The timefor him to leave came during summer when the dance academy closed for about two weeks. 

 

Soonyoung decided to come back to Seoul. 

It wasn’t because of Jihoon, no. 

He had missed his friends so much and had they had so many things to catch up on.

But then if it wasn’t because of Jihoon, why did he find himself in that same park he left him almost a year ago?

 

_ ‘You’re such a masochist Kwon Soonyoung.’ _

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s summer.

The sun is shining so bright, making the park look like an emerald because of the green trees. 

Some children run around playing hide and seek. Their laughs resonating in the hot air. 

Some teenagers in their uniforms are strolling in the park, picking up the flowers from the grass. 

Some other people are just there to jog, to walk their dogs or just to chill under the shadow of a tree to read and enjoy the day. 

There’s a lot of people around and they’re all smiling because summer just brings natural joy in people. 

 

This image is in huge contrast with the one in Soonyoung’s head. 

 

Flashes of that day in autumn were the park was deserted and silent. 

The weather was cold like the colors of the leaves. 

Everything looked dead like he is now on the inside.

 

Soonyoung shakes his head trying to discard that image and those feelings. 

 

He walks in the park, his feet automatically dragging him under that tree. 

He remembers it when his leaves were falling.   
He remembers it when it was bare.   
Nothing was left of its foliage like nothing was left of their love.

 

Now it changed. 

The tree had its green crown back to its place.   
Hidden between its leaves, there’s still the trace of some flowers, whose white petals were scattered all around the ground.

 

No matter how many times autumn came, the tree survived through it and the coldness of winter, restoring its original beauty in spring, standing there as if nothing ever happened to it in summer.

 

Soonyoung was glad that at least one of them could live like that. 

That at least one of them was doing fine.

  
  
  


After staring at the tree for a while, Soonyoung sits on that bench. 

He came here to rest, but he shouldn’t procrastinate. 

He still has work to do. 

The academy opens in two weeks and he needs to find a new song, create a choreography and teach it to his students.

He takes his phone out his pocket, plugs in the earphones and quickly opens the Melon app looking for a song that could fit the vibes of this summer that was now coming to its end. 

He remembers one of his friends recommending him a song that he  _ “would absolutely like because it fits your style.” _

While searching for this track, he stumbles upon a song whose title immediately catches his attention. 

 

_ ‘Bumzu - I Don’t Miss You’ _

 

Without really thinking about it, he presses the play button. 

 

The song starts with a soft melody and from the very first words, it leaves him with mouth agape. 

 

**_“At the place that you were,_ **

**_I am left alone.”_ **

 

It fits the mood. 

 

Soonyoung is there, the place where Jihoon was and where he was left alone with himself.   
The place where they parted ways.   
The place where Jihoon told him he didn’t love him anymore.

 

**_“Is it not sad enough anymore?_ **

**_Or is my heart lying to me?_ **

**_The empty gap of my day's memory that seems to be fine_ **

**_In between each clock's ticking, I'm (honestly) hurting._ **

**_Though my heart is wounded_ **

**_Without even knowing_ **

**_I just hide them”_ **

 

These lines just remind him of his first months in Canada. 

 

He was so caught in his new life that he wasn’t sad. 

He hadn’t the time to think about his days back in Seoul where he was happy and in love. 

Where he was badly hurt by that same person that lit up his entire world. 

That same person that was his entire world.

 

However, his heart was just lying to him. 

Soonyoung’s heart was wounded but he had to be strong. 

He was hurt but he couldn’t show it. 

So he just covered his wounds the best as he could. 

He faked a smile and went on living. 

He pretended so much that for a moment he really thought he moved on. 

 

**_“Right now I don't want to see you_ **

**_And I don't really miss you_ **

**_Words I don't really mean_ **

**_I've been saying them as if I do_ **

**_There's really no one to listen_ **

**_So I stick to my heart even though it's not real_ **

**_Isn't it funny?_ **

**_Today too, I don't miss you.”_ **

 

He thought he moved on so he kept repeating the same things over and over again, like a mantra. 

He believed that if he said those things, at some point they would’ve become true.

  
  
  


Soonyoung didn’t want to see him.   
He still doesn’t want to see him.

 

Soonyoung didn’t miss him.   
He still doesn’t miss him.

 

He knows he doesn’t really means them, but what can he do? 

 

Soonyoung hasn’t anyone by his side. 

In Canada, he has his new friends, but he didn’t trust them so much.   
In Seoul, he has his best friends, but he didn’t want to talk to them. They would only push Soonyoung to do something about it.   
In Namyangju, he has his parents, but the didn’t want to worry them.

  
  


He realised that he could be his true self only when he was around Jihoon. 

He could wear his heart on his sleeve and he wouldn’t be afraid of that. 

 

Jihoon has probably moved on and he may be with someone else. 

 

Soonyoung, if anything, had never felt this lonely.

 

No one was around, no one to force him to be honest. 

He could do what he wanted, so he decided to deceive himself. 

 

_ “I don’t want to see you. I don’t miss you.” _

 

**_“Though I've tried to cover the memories by my two hands_ **

**_But the feelings I have forgotten keep on breaking out_ **

**_Honestly, I'm not going anywhere_ **

**_I'm staying there in my place_ **

**_Waiting until the moment you come”_ **

 

Soonyoung suddenly laughs. 

 

He is an idiot.  
He can’t even fool himself.

 

Jihoon may have moved on, but he can’t do that. 

 

Their memories were too precious for him to let them go. 

He tried to keep them safe in a corner of his brain, of his heart.   
He wanted them to stay there, to not leave him.   
He wanted them not to haunt him, not to make him regret his will to remember.

 

Soonyoung thought he had them under his control. 

But memories can’t be tamed. 

Like water, they broke the dyke he had built and flooded him the moment he stepped in Korea. 

 

Every now and then one of their moments flashed behind his eyes.   
Every now and then he dreamt of one of their dates.   
Every now and then he felt so overwhelmed by his feelings that he wanted to run to him and tell him that he still loves him.

 

He can’t do that. 

The only thing he can do, again, is to wait. 

 

In all honesty, Soonyoung tells himself that he can’t go away from Jihoon. 

His body can escape, his brain can, but his heart can’t. 

His heart is tied with Jihoon’s. 

Their strings may be loose but they had not be cut down. 

At least not Soonyoung’s. 

 

So he stays where he is with his heart, waiting for the moment Jihoon comes back for him. 

He will wait even if it means to wait for a lifetime. 

 

**_“Though I don't want to miss you_ **

**_Words are easier than done_ **

**_Just the thought of you brings me to tears_ **

**_I don't know why_ **

**_But everyday like this_ **

**_I keep remembering one thing by heart_ **

**_I don't miss you_ **

**_I don't miss you_ **

**_Today too...I'm just going to miss you.”_ **

 

This once he can be honest with himself.

He misses Jihoon. 

 

Soonyoung breaks, again. 

 

He starts crying. 

 

He cries while recalling Jihoon’s face.   
His eyes, his cheeks, his nose, his lips.

 

He cries while Jihoon’s voice echoes in his mind.   
His deep manly voice that used to get thin and cute when calling his name.

 

He cries while he tries to remember Jihoon’s scent.   
His scent that to Soonyoung smelt like home.

 

He cries and cries for what it seems like hours.   
He cries until he feels dizzy and his skin is tingling.

  
  


The song comes to an end, following the tempo of Soonyoung’s tears. 

As the last notes come from the earphones, the battery of Soonyoung’s phone dies. 

He gets himself together, feeling a little better after getting out all the feelings that have been piling up for the past four months.

Now, he needs to go back to the hotel he is staying in. 

After all, he took his phone to find the song he has to work on. 

Plus, tonight he has to hang out with Seokmin and Seungkwan so he needs to charge his phone as they have to send him the whereabouts of the place they’re meeting. 

 

He stands up, wipes his tears and stops in front of the tree again. 

 

_ “Thanks for keeping up with my mood and I’m sorry for bothering you with my crying. Don’t worry, I’m going to miss you too, my giant friend.” _

 

Soonyoung smiles at it and then walks away. 

 

Today too, Soonyoung is going to miss Jihoon.

 

That night and the following days, he started pretending again. 

He smiled, never showing how he was really hurting on the inside. 

  
  


He didn’t listen to that song again. 

Its story was just like his and would’ve just rubbed salt on its wound. 

  
  


Soonyoung never found out that even if the singer was another man, its lyrics were written by Jihoon. 

He would not find out that Jihoon is somewhere feeling the same as him. 

 

He's going to pretend that he has moved on.   
But, today too, Jihoon is going to miss Soonyoung.


	5. Track 5 - Run To You

> **_"Holding back my tears, hiding my fear, I will go to you"_** Seventeen - Run To You

 

 

 

**_That day. August._ **

 

It’s night when Jihoon is walking around his neighbourhood. 

 

He had found a place in a quite lively area.

There were lots of restaurants, cafés, norae-bang and even one or two clubs.

It was quiet in the morning and crowded at night and that’s why Jihoon liked it.

 

It helped him a lot, especially during his first days there, far away from the place he used to call home. 

 

In the morning, he would’ve been sleeping so the quietness of the place helped him sleep better. 

At night, streets were filled with people and the sound of their voices mixed with the music coming from the clubs, echoed in his mind making him unable to think about Soonyoung.

It even helped him feel less lonely. 

He liked his place a lot for another reason too. 

It was near to his studio and the food around there was the best he ever had. 

 

 

Jihoon was now roaming the streets, looking for a place to buy something to eat. 

He was working on a song and he usually would’ve had some food delivered to his studio. 

However, he felt like he had to go out, walk around to stretch his legs that went sore from how much time he spent sitting in the same position for hours. 

So he did. 

He went out of his cave to hunt for snacks. 

He doesn’t exactly know what he wants to eat. 

Nothing really appeals to his stomach and so he keeps walking around. 

 

That’s until his eyes land on  ~~ something ~~ someone. 

 

His stomach is a tangled mess.  
His heart stops beating for a while.

 

Jihoon can’t believe his eyes.   
He can’t trust them as they’ve been deceiving him for months now.

 

_ ‘It can’t be him.’ _

 

But he knows it’s him. 

 

Jihoon doesn’t know how in the hell he did recognise him.   
Said person was standing far away from him and he could only see the back of his head.   


Jihoon just knows that this person is Soonyoung.   
He could recognise him even among billions of people.  


 

He decides to get closer to him, his dinner now forgotten. 

He has to confirm his suspicions. 

 

Jihoon is now close to him, he can see his profile. 

His breath catches in his throat. 

 

He hasn’t seen Soonyoung in months. 

Maybe it’s because Soonyoung knows he lives here now and he wouldn’t have come here with the risk of meeting Jihoon.   
Maybe Soonyoung too hadn’t left ~~their~~ his house because he wasn’t doing that fine.

 

At least this is what Jihoon _hopes_. 

 

But he knows he’s doing well. 

He saw him with another man after all. 

Maybe he’s here with him. 

 

Jihoon stays right where he is to look at him. 

 

Soonyoung looks skinny.    
Jihoon wonders if he eats well. 

 

Soonyoung looks tired.   
Jihoon wonders if he sleeps well. 

  
  


Nonetheless, Soonyoung is stunning in the way that always left Jihoon speechless.

 

Looking at him was like watching a beautiful landscape.   
He left you just as breathless.  

Like watching a sky full of stars at night.   
His eyes were just as bright.

Like watching the waves crashing on the shore.   
He was just as intense.

 

As Jihoon was observing Soonyoung, two figures approached the said boy. 

A pang of jealousy hits him as he doesn’t recognise them at first. 

Jihoon then realises it’s Seokmin and Seungkwan. 

He also realises that he has to run away from there as the two boys will definitely see him being a creep. 

And so he does. 

He runs as fast as he can to not get caught. 

 

Running away is what he _always_ does.

  
  


**_Two weeks later. September._ **

 

Jihoon suddenly wakes up from his dream. 

It was a nightmare. 

Jihoon dreamt of Soonyoung. 

  
  
  


_ They were running in a meadow, playing tag. _

_ Jihoon was chasing Soonyoung.  _

_ They were so happy, laughing and joking around. _

_ Everything was bright as the sun shone on them. _

_ However, suddenly in front of Soonyoung, there’s a cliff.  _

_ Jihoon’s expression from happy shifts in one of terror.  _

 

_ He wants to call Soonyoung.   
No sound comes out from his mouth. _

 

_ He wants to run faster.   
His feet don’t cooperate with him. _

 

_ Soonyoung doesn’t seem to notice the shift in the atmosphere.  _

_ He keeps running and running while smiling at Jihoon.  _

_ Then, he falls.   
Eyes wide open in fear. _

_ Jihoon wants to jump too.  _

_His body doesn’t react._  
 _He froze._

 

That’s when he wakes up, in the middle of the night. 

 

Jihoon starts crying. 

His body is still trembling due to the fright. 

 

Jihoon has never been this scared in his life. 

He needed to clear his mind, to make these horrifying images disappear. 

Jihoon gets up from his bed, puts his shoes on and runs outside. 

 

The cold air immediately hits his face. 

 

He shivers because of the chill breeze of this almost ending summer night. 

 

Jihoon looks up. 

The clouds chase each other in the blue meadow the sky is.   
The Moon is watching over them as they’re running.

 

He quickly averts his eyes, the scenario too similar to his dream.

 

Jihoon wants to forget the look on Soonyoung’s face as he was falling.   
He wants to forget the guilt he felt when he couldn’t grab him.   
He wants to forget how he hated himself when he couldn’t jump with him.   
He wants to forget how it felt losing him.

 

It’s not as if Jihoon hasn’t already lost Soonyoung, but this was different. 

 

Jihoon let him go so Soonyoung hadn’t to suffer anymore. 

Jihoon thought that not having him around would’ve made both of them happier. 

 

He was wrong and he couldn’t deny it anymore. 

Jihoon couldn’t be happy without Soonyoung. 

 

Soonyoung is his happiness.   
Soonyoung is his love.   
Soonyoung is his fear.   
Soonyoung is his tear.   
Soonyoung is his sweetest dream. 

Soonyoung is his _everything_. 

 

He can’t live without him. 

 

Jihoon looks again at the sky. 

He closes his eyes for a moment. 

When he opens them, a new fire burns in them. 

 

_ ‘I’m going to you, right now.’ _

 

 

 

**_The next day. September._ **

 

Jihoon hasn’t slept. 

  
His mind busy all night trying to figure out how to approach Soonyoung again. 

 

Soonyoung might have moved on.   
He might not want to talk to him anymore.   
He might reject him.

 

Jihoon is scared and just wants to cry at the thought of losing him again. 

It would be his fault if something like that happened. 

It’s him who let Soonyoung go. 

 

However, he has to try. 

He has to hold back his tears and hide his fears.   
He has to go to him. 

Jihoon has to face Soonyoung. 

  
  
  
  


Jihoon goes to their old house, hoping to find Soonyoung there. 

It’s the first place it came to his mind. 

 

He’s now in front of the door. 

He fixes his hair and his attire. 

Jihoon knocks on the door. 

 

He knocks once, twice, thrice. 

No answer. 

 

_ ‘Maybe he’s still asleep. The windows are still closed.’ _

 

Jihoon looks around. 

He looks for the place they usually left their spare keys as Soonyoung often forgot them. 

They’re not there. 

 

_ ‘Maybe he used them yesterday so he has them inside.’ _

 

Suddenly he feels someone touch his shoulder. 

He turns around thinking it may be Soonyoung. 

 

It’s not him. It’s one of their neighbours. 

 

He greets the old lady who asks him what he’s doing there. 

He explains that he has to talk to Soonyoung, the other boy who lived with him. 

The old lady kindly says to him that the boy left that house half a year ago. 

Jihoon asks if she perhaps knows where he went, but she cannot answer as she doesn’t know where he went. 

He bows to the lady and goes away. 

 

Jihoon is in panic. 

How can he find him now? 

 

He thinks, hard.   
Nothing came to his mind. 

 

He wanders aimlessly in the neighbourhood. 

Thinking about places where Soonyoung could be. 

 

Then it hit him. 

_ Seokmin and Seungkwan.  _

They know where he is. 

 

Jihoon takes his phone quickly dialling Seokmin’s number. 

 

As soon as the other picks up, he asks him if he’s at home because he needs to talk to him. 

Seokmin says he can come over and Jihoon runs to his house. 

 

He has to find Soonyoung quickly before he grows too scared to face him.

  
  


Jihoon arrives in front of Seokmin’s house. 

 

He has to knock just once before his friend opens his door. 

Seokmin invites him in to drink something, but he doesn’t have time to do that.    
  


He just asks where Soonyoung’s living now. 

If he’s still in Seoul or if he went to his parents.

 

**“You won’t find him here in Seoul nor in Namyangju. Actually, hyung, you won’t find him in Korea. He’s living in Canada now.”**   
Seokmin says putting a hand on Jihoon’s shoulder.

 

Jihoon felt like dying. 

How come he went so far away from _him_? 

 

**“But I saw him with you two weeks ago. I thought he still lived in our house.”**   
Jihoon says, his voice shaking a little bit.

 

 **“Hyung, he just came here on holiday. He wanted to catch up with us and stayed in a hotel for just two weeks. He went back to Canada just yesterday.”**   
Seokmin sighs.   
**“Why do you ask, anyway?”**

 

**“Because I’ve realised how much of a stupid I've been all this time. I can’t let Soonyoung go.”**   
Tears start silently stream down Jihoon’s face. 

 

**“Seriously, your timing can’t be worse than this.”**   
Seokmin says while pinching the bridge of his nose. 

 

**"I've noticed that.”**   
Jihoon tells, disappointment written all over his face. 

 

**“However, I need to tell you this. Don’t waste any more time and go to him. You might regret it if you don't.”**   
Seokmin looks so serious, an expression Jihoon had rarely seen on the younger. 

 

**“But he’s in another country and who knows if he wants to see me again.”**

 

**“Take the first plane you can and fly to him. You won’t know if he wants to see you or not if you don’t try. At least you won’t have any regret. Trust me on this, hyung.”  
** Seokmin puts both of his hands on Jihoon’s shoulders and lightly squeezes them as to encourage him. 

 

**“You’re right, Seokmin. I will trust you.”**

 

**“Thanks. Now, go. I will text you his new address so you can reach him.”**   
Seokmin nudges him and Jihoon takes it as his cue to leave. 

 

**“Thank you, Seokmin.”**   
Jihoon says and runs away. 

This time he is not running away from Soonyoung.   
He is running to him.

 

 

**_“Even if it won’t reach you by any chance_ **

**_Even if I run out of breath more, I’ll go quickly_ **

**_So please wait there a little more”_ **

  
  


Jihoon runs and runs.  
He runs and he’s out of breath but he doesn’t stop. 

 

He needs to get home and book the first plane.   
He needs to tell his boss he won’t be able to work for a while. 

 

He needs to know if Soonyoung is already over them.   
He needs to know if Soonyoung still loves him.   
He needs to know if Soonyoung is still waiting for him. 

 

As Jihoon runs, he has only one thing in mind: 

 

_ ‘I really really _

_ Miss you’ _


	6. Track 6 - Save Me

> **"Within this childish madness you will save me tonight."**   BTS - Save Me
> 
>  

 

**_Three weeks later. September._ **

 

Since Soonyoung set foot back in Canada, his life became a loop of the same damned things.

 

Waking up.    
  
Going to work.    
  
Overstaying in his studio with the excuse of  _ ‘I need to work just a little bit more on this choreo’ _ . 

Coming back to his place. 

Crying himself to sleep. 

 

He barely ate.  
He barely slept.   
He barely rested.   
He barely lived.

 

 

Going back to Seoul turned out to be a bad idea. 

 

Every place he went to reminded him of Jihoon. 

Soonyoung had been bringing Jihoon with him everywhere he went for years.

 

Every people he saw on the street reminded him of Jihoon. 

Soonyoung swears he saw Jihoon the night he went out with his friends. 

 

Every song he heard playing on the radio reminded him of Jihoon. 

Soonyoung had wondered if he had found a new muse who inspired him. 

 

Soonyoung can’t go on like this. 

 

He hates his life. 

He hates himself for being this weak. 

He hates himself for feeling like he’s trapped in his memories and feelings. 

He hates Jihoon for making him this miserable. Unable to live. 

 

Soonyoung is wrecked. 

He is a castaway on the island of despair and loneliness. 

 

He wants to get a grip on himself and do something to escape that island. 

 

He can’t.

 

His heart doesn’t let him get away. 

It keeps calling that name whenever it wants.

 

Soonyoung’s alone.   
  
His heart calls Jihoon. 

 

Soonyoung’s happy. 

His heart calls Jihoon. 

 

Soonyoung’s sad. 

His heart calls Jihoon. 

 

Soonyoung’s healing. 

His heart calls Jihoon, opening his wounds. 

  
  


Soonyoung wants this to stop and he knows Jihoon is the only one who can put an end to his pain. 

 

Jihoon had always been Soonyoung’s light in this dark world. 

The one he had to follow when he felt like he was lost. 

The light who could save him whenever he felt like drowning in his own life. 

 

Soonyoung had to find his light again. 

 

Soonyoung had to be saved before he could've fallen again. 

  
  


Today it’s exactly a year since that day. 

 

The day when he started going crazy. 

The day he got lost because his light left him. 

 

It’s a chilly evening in autumn. 

The trees put back on their branches their picturesque crowns, the setting sun giving a finishing touch to those already bright colours. 

Soonyoung is going back to his place. 

His boss told him to get off work early. 

He’s worried about Soonyoung looking too exhausted to function. 

 

Soonyoung had complained. 

He was doing well and needed that distraction. 

He didn’t want to think. 

 

The boss threatened to fire him if he didn’t go immediately home. 

Soonyoung couldn’t complain anymore and did what his boss told him to do. 

However, he doesn’t feel like going home yet. 

 

He walks and walks around until it is dark.

 

At 1 am he grows tired of walking around and decides to just go back.

  
  


On the way to his place, he couldn’t stop sighing and looking at the sky. 

 

The moon is brighter tonight. 

Its white surface reminds him of Jihoon’s pale skin. 

 

He remembers how he liked to tease him about it, telling him it’s because he didn’t go out in the daytime.   
  
Jihoon would’ve pinched him and Soonyoung would’ve laughed. 

 

He remembers how he liked to tease the other because of his height. 

Jihoon would’ve punched him and Soonyoung would’ve tucked him under his chin. 

 

He remembers how he liked to hold him in his arms. 

Jihoon would’ve complained that he was suffocating and Soonyoung would’ve ignored him, holding him even tighter because he knew Jihoon liked it. 

 

Memories flow like a river. 

His tears flow like a river too. 

 

Soonyoung misses Jihoon. 

 

Jihoon is the only thing Soonyoung has in his life. 

 

Soonyoung wants Jihoon back but he’s too weak to go and grab him. 

 

The fear of being rejected again. 

The fear of being pushed away. 

The fear of hearing again  _ ‘I don’t love you anymore’ _ .

  
  


Soonyoung stops on his tracks and looks at the moon again. 

 

He wonders if Jihoon looks at it too at night. 

He wonders if the moon can relay him his message. 

 

_ ‘Please, save me tonight.’ _

  
  


Soonyoung starts walking again, hoping his words will reach Jihoon. 

  
  
  


Soonyoung’s almost in front of his place when he drops the keys of his door. 

He mumbles how life is a pain in the ass when someone grabs his keys. 

 

Soonyoung thinks that his eyes are deceiving him. 

 

_ ‘It can’t be him.’ _

 

But he held that hand so many times. 

 

Soonyoung knows it’s him.

 

He raises his head, eyes half closed with the fear of being just hallucinating. 

 

But he’s not. 

 

Jihoon is there. Right in front of him. 

 

Soonyoung’s eyes grow wider and his mouth goes dry. 

 

Jihoon. 

His Jihoonie. 

 

Soonyoung’s heart stops. 

His legs grow weak and he falls on the ground like the leaves around him. 

He starts crying, his body heavyly shaking.

 

“Jihoon, p-please, s-save me” Soonyoung says in between his sobs. 

 

Jihoon falls on the ground next to him and takes Soonyoung in his arms. 

 

“Shh, it’s okay” Jihoon says while carding his fingers through Soonyoung’s hair to soothe him. “I’m here now.”

 

“Are you really here? I am not hallucinating, right?” Soonyoung wipes his tears with the back of his hand. 

 

“I’m really here, you idiot.” Jihoon’s voice breaking as he started crying too. “Let’s get inside. It’s getting cold.” 

 

Jihoon gets up and stretches his hand towards Soonyoung. 

 

Soonyoung looks at it. 

 

That hand it’s for him to grab. 

That hand it’s for him to be saved. 

 

He can stop hurting, now.

He can stop falling.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


 

“How did you know where to find me?” It’s the first thing Soonyoung says when both of them stopped crying and got themselves together.   
  
They were sitting on the couch, a small gap between them. 

They wanted to be closer but they thought the other needed some space. 

 

“A little bird told me.” Jihoon smiled fondly at the man standing next to him. 

 

“It’s either Seungkwan or Seokmin. They’re the only two people who know my address here.” 

 

“Seokmin. I went to him three weeks ago when I found out you didn’t live in our house anymore.” Jihoon scoots slightly over Soonyoung.   
His body naturally gravitating toward Soonyoung’s.

 

“You went to our house?” 

 

“Yes. The ajumma who lives next to it told me you left.” 

 

“Yeah...you know, living there without you became unbearable. That’s why I had to go away.” Soonyoung says, his head falling back on the couch while remembering those days. 

 

“Why Canada though?” Jihoon asks genuinely curious. 

 

“It was the furthest place I could think of. I thought that if I escaped, the ghost of you wouldn’t follow me. Guess what?” Soonyoung smirks. “It didn’t work. I thought about you every day.” He gestures Jihoon to come closer, to come in his arms. 

 

“I thought about you too, Soonie.” Jihoon says sitting on his lap and letting his head fall on Soonyoung’s chest. “I missed you so much.”   
Now Soonyoung's head rests on the top of Jihoon's head.  


 

They fall in a comfortable silence for a while. 

 

Jihoon listens to Soonyoung’s heartbeat.    
The melody he liked the most. 

 

Soonyoung holds Jihoon closer to him.   
Afraid he could disappear if he let him go.

 

“Jihoon, don’t leave me ever again.” 

 

Jihoon feels the top of his head getting wet and looks up to find Soonyoung crying. 

 

Jihoon cups Soonyoung’s cheeks and wipes his tears away with his thumbs. 

 

“I won’t, I promise. You mean too much to me to let you go.” Jihoon sighs “I’m sorry.” 

 

“For what?” Soonyoung sniffles. 

 

“Sorry because I took you for granted. 

Because I let you go thinking it was the best for you. 

Because I made you suffer and cry. 

Because I was letting us fall into despair and loneliness.

I’m sorry because I am a fool who thought he could live without you.

But how could I live when my heart was somewhere else?” 

 

Jihoon is out of breath.   
Words flowing out of his mouth without pausing.

 

If he didn’t say them now, he wouldn’t have said them anymore. 

 

However, he couldn’t look at Soonyoung.

  
He wasn’t brave enough to do that.

 

Soonyoung grabs Jihoon by his chin and forces him to look him in the eyes. 

 

“You’re sorry but I am thankful. 

Thank you for letting me be me.

For giving me wings.

For waking me from being suffocated.

For being the sun of my life.

For loving me and making me realise I still love you like the first day.

I’m thankful for a lot of things. 

Most importantly, thank you for being us.” 

 

“But I only hurt you for the past year. If you don’t want to get back with me I can understand that.” Jihoon looks away. 

 

“Did you listen to what I’ve said for the last minute and a half, Jihoonie?” Soonyoung’s smiles at Jihoon’s insecure side showing after a long time.   
“I love you and I will always love you, no matter what.”

 

Jihoon looks at Soonyoung.   
Tears are threatening to fall.   
Tears of joy, of course.   
“I don’t deserve you. You’re too precious for someone like me.”

 

“No, you deserve it. You deserve me loving you in the same way you love me. So don’t say that ever again, okay?” Soonyoung tightens his hold on Jihoon. 

 

“I love you, Soonyoung.” 

 

Jihoon put his hand on Soonyoung’s nape and pulls him in for a kiss. 

 

The two melt in the familiarity of those lips meeting after a long time.

 

Lips that hadn’t forgotten the taste of the other.  
Lips that moved in sync with the beat of their hearts.

 

All the words unsaid, all the waiting, all the longing were poured into that kiss. 

 

Soonyoung grabs Jihoon bridal style and brings him in his room. 

Lips never parting. 

 

Jihoon lays on the bed, Soonyoung over him. 

 

Hands frenetic to touch every inch of the other’s skin.

Mouth kissing and teeth biting sensitive spots.

Shivers up their spine as they whispered words of love in their ears.

Breaths getting heavier and moans getting louder. 

I love yous coming out of their mouths at their climax. 

Bodies and hearts as one again. 

 

It had been a long way round, but here they are.   
Together.  

 

They couldn’t be happier than this, inebriated by the other. 

 

Losing the other made them realise how important they are for each other. 

How they cannot function at all if they are alone.

  
  
  


“So, are we going back home?” Jihoon breaks the silence, his head on Soonyoung’s naked chest. 

 

“There’s no need to.” Soonyoung puts his hands around Jihoon’s waist.

 

“What do you mean there’s no need to?” Jihoon lifts his head to face Soonyoung. 

 

“Because with you, I’m already home” Soonyoung gets shy and hides his face in Jihoon’s hair. 

 

“You idiot.” Jihoon hits his shoulder and Soonyoung fake cries. 

 

“But you've missed this idiot.” Soonyoung doesn’t lift his face and brings Jihoon closer to him. 

 

“Yes, I did. I’m glad you didn’t give up on me.” 

 

“I could never give up on you, Jihoonie.” 

 

“Thank you. Even all the waiting, the longing and all of our memories. Thank you.”

 

Jihoon kisses Soonyoung again. 

 

They kiss and make love all night long. 

 

Two souls, parted for too long, found each other again and promised to never let go.   
Never again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was the last chapter....there's only the epilogue left!


	7. Track 7 - Outro. Beautiful

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here we are, this is the epilogue! Hope you'll enjoy it!!

 

> **_“If I am with you under this sky, just breathing alone makes me happy."_** ****Crush - Beautiful ** _  
> _**

 

 

 

**_Three months later. December._ **

 

Soonyoung and Jihoon couldn’t be happier.

 

They came back home a week after they got together again.

All of their friends were happy too and mocked them for being just too dense.

 

They went back to their old house.

Soonyoung went back to his old workplace.  
Minghao gladly welcoming him back in his studio.

Jihoon had his muse back again.  
His songs were again about joyful and true love.

 

They came back to their previous life but something was different now.

 

They had matured.

 

Both of them had learned something new from that painful experience.  
Soonyoung learned to talk about problems and to point out things that bother him.  
Jihoon learned to don’t overwork himself and to spend time with his lover.  
From now on, he’s going to never take him for granted.

 

They had become inseparable.

 

Seungkwan always teases them because of this.

He says they look like an old married couple, stuck to each other and quarrelling over little things related to their household.

It made them laugh.

Because it’s true, they’re like a married couple.

 

Giving each other good morning kisses before leaving for work.  
Waiting on the couch for the other to come back home at night.  
Bringing lunch to the other’s workplace when they forgot to bring it.

 

The only thing is that they’re not really married.

Well, not yet.

  


 

It’s their anniversary and they’re out to celebrate that important day.

 

Soonyoung brought Jihoon to his favourite restaurant and they’re having a very romantic dinner.

 

Lights are dim, candles lit on their table.  
Champagne glasses in their hands.  
Rose petals all around them.  
Soft music played by the local orchestra.

 

It’s their day and Soonyoung wants it to be perfect, especially after all they went through in the past year.

Jihoon thinks it really is perfect.

It’s perfect for what he’s about to do.

 

_The lights go out._

 

People in the room fell silent as they’re trying to understand what’s happening.

Soonyoung is quite confused too.

From the speakers, a song starts playing.

A single light pointed on Jihoon that is now in front of Soonyoung.

 

He’s holding some papers and he changes them according to the line of the song.  
Each paper has a message that talks about their story.

 

**_“It’s a beautiful life_ **

**_I’ll stay by your side”_ **

 

 _‘As I was meant to be right there, next to you.’_ the paper reads.

 

**_“It’s a beautiful life_ **

**_I’ll stand right behind you”_ **

 

_‘As I need to protect you from the evil of this world.’_

 

**_“Beautiful love_ **

**_If I am with you under this sky_ **

**_Just breathing alone makes me happy”_ **

 

_‘As you’re everything I could ask for in this lifetime._

_Just being with you makes me the happiest man on earth.’_

 

**_“It’s a beautiful life_ **

**_Beautiful day_ **

**_I live in your memories”_ **

 

_‘And you live in my memories too.’_

 

**_“Beautiful life beautiful day_ **

**_Stay by my side”_ **

 

_‘And never let go of my hand._

_Hold it forever.’_

 

**_“Beautiful my love_ **

**_Beautiful your heart_ **

**_It’s a beautiful life”_ **

 

_‘Everything about you is beautiful._

_I’m lucky to have you.’_

 

**_“It’s a beautiful life_ **

**_I’ll always protect you”_ **

 

_‘I’ll protect you from the pain and the sorrow._

_I’ll only give you happiness from now on.’_

 

**_“It’s a beautiful life_ **

**_So lean on me”_ **

 

_‘It’s okay to lean on me._

_I’ll be here for you through the good times and the bad times.’_

 

**_“Beautiful love_ **

**_Your tears, your smile_ **

**_So we can be together”_ **

 

_‘I’ve seen all of your sides._

_You’ve seen all of my sides._

_The good one, the evil one._

_The happy one, the sad one._

_The brave one, the scared one._

_We’ve seen it all._

_We’ve accepted it all._

_So we can be together.’_

 

**_“It’s a beautiful life_ **

**_Beautiful day_ **

**_I loved you like crazy”_ **

 

_‘And I still do._

_I love you like the first day I saw you._

_I love you even more than that._

_I’m a fool for you.’_

 

**_“Beautiful life beautiful day_ **

**_I don’t wanna lose you”_ **

 

_‘I won’t lose you._

_Not anymore._

_I won’t let you go away.’_

 

**_“So don’t leave me_ **

**_So I won’t live just in your memories”_ **

 

_‘Don’t leave my side._

_Let me live with you._

_I know we already do but we can take this further…’_

 

**_“It’s a beautiful life”_ **

 

The song fades.

 

The room went silent.  

The spotlight still on Jihoon.

 

Jihoon gets on his knee.  
A velvet box in his hands.

 

“Kwon Soonyoung, would you marry an idiot like me?”

 

People hold their breaths. 

Jihoon holds his breath too.  

Soonyoung looks at Jihoon.

 

“No.”

 

Gasps can be heard in the room.

 

Jihoon expression changes in a second.

 

All of his dreams were crushed.

 

“I don’t want to marry an idiot _like_ you. I want to marry _you_. MY idiot. So the answer is yes. I want to marry you, Lee Jihoon.”

 

Soonyoung gets on his knees and hugs Jihoon.

 

People start cheering louder and louder.

 

Jihoon punches Soonyoung.

He deserves it.

 

“Don’t do that ever again. You scared me to death!” Jihoon wipes a tear that fell on his cheek.

 

“See? You’re indeed my idiot. How could’ve I answered no? You know I love you and marrying you is just a step forward on the path of our life together.”  
Soonyoung giggles.

 

“Since when you’ve been this deep?”  
Jihoon asks smiling, tears still falling because of the fear and joy mixed together.

 

“Since I’ve met you, Jihoonie. You make me the sappiest, the most romantic and, most of all, the best man in the entire universe.”  
Soonyoung hugs Jihoon again.

 

The lights turn on again.

The orchestra starts playing a slow dance.

 

Soonyoung and Jihoon get up and start to dance.

 

Soonyoung’s hands around Jihoon’s waits.   
Jihoon’s hands locked around Soonyoung’s neck.

 

After a while, they suddenly stop.

 

Jihoon takes the velvet box, opens it and takes the ring out.

 

It’s a simple white gold band with Jihoon's name engraved on the inside.

But that’s all Soonyoung could ask for.

 

Jihoon takes Soonyoung’s left hand and slips the ring to his finger.

 

“Here. Do you that this is the only finger which is directly connected to the heart? That’s why you put the wedding ring there.  
This band right here represents me, it has my name on it. This means that I am connected to your heart. That my heart is connected to yours.  
My heart is yours.”

 

“My heart is yours too, Jihoonie.”  
Soonyoung says before gently kissing him, ready to spend the rest of his life with the man he loves.

 

 

That was the end.

The end of the suffering.  
The end of chasing love.  
The end of a sorrowful life.

 

That was the start.

The start of a dream.  
The start of a life together.  
The start of a beautiful life.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**_Seven months later. July._ **

 

“Congratulations!”  
Everyone of their friends and family members shouted at the same time.

 

Soonyoung and Jihoon got finally married.

 

They have made their vows.  
They have made their oaths.  
They have sealed their love.

 

“Guys. Finally. we’re married!”  
Soonyoung yells while hugging Wonwoo and Jun.

 

“Yes, you are. You’ve finally made it.”  
Wonwoo pats Soonyoung’s on his back.

 

“Can’t believe you told in front of everyone that Jihoon’s is your wife and you’re his husband.”  
Jun snickers while recalling the event.

 

“I was too excited. I still can’t believe he took my surname. Kwon Jihoon. Doesn’t it sound wonderful?”  
Soonyoung is now jumping around like a little kid.

 

“This doesn’t mean that I am the wife!”  
Jihoon grabs Soonyoung by the wrist to make him stop and stay still.

 

“Yes, you are. You are my lovely wifey and you can’t do nothing about it!”  
Soonyoung sing-songs while pinching Jihoon's cheek.

 

Jihoon punches Soonyoung and everyone starts laughing at the couple’s antics.

 

It was the 15th of July when they promised to each other and in front of everyone in that hall that they will love each other for the rest of their days.

  


These were the songs of their love.

Songs that will always be a part of them.  
Songs that will make them remember the hardships of their love story.  
Songs that will make them remember how much love and effort it takes to have a happily ever after.

 

This was their story.

 

This was their youth.

 

These were their memories.

 

These were Lee Jihoon and Kwon Soonyoung.

 

These were the most beautiful moments of their lives.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaaaaand that's the end!!  
> Thank you so much to those who stuck with this story until the end and to those who supported me through this whole new journey.  
> I feel good because it ended on a good note, things that usually doesn't happen in my fics muahahah. 
> 
> Btw, due "midterms" (let's call them like this) I can't work on any of the big projects I have planned. Buuuut, I have to one-shots one is ready and the other is still in progress but it won't take too long to end it. Until my next multi-chaptered au, I think I'll drop some one-shots from time to time, so be prepared!!
> 
> Once again, thank you so much! <3 <3  
> See all of you soon <3<3

**Author's Note:**

> If you enjoyed it, leave kudos and comments! I like to see how you guys react at some lines or to the entire chapter, moreover, it helps me improve my writing! 
> 
> If you want to know when will I update or simply talk about the fic, you can find me on twitter! (@Yleisnotonfire1)
> 
> Thank you so much for spending your time reading this!


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